Appreciation 101

It's Friday night. My husband and I are getting dressed to go to a wedding cocktail party. I put on my "go all out" make up, my expensive maxi dress that reveals just the right amount of cleavage and step out of my room to see him struggling with his bow tie. He looks up at me all dressed and suddenly gets nervous wondering what to say (remember this has happened many times in the last two years of our marriage and let's just say that he is still struggling with his compliments). He puts on a big jittery smile and says "you look beautiful" and just as quickly with the "business as usual" look asks me "hey can you help me with my bow tie?" That's it. I am just left there thinking "That's it?!" and pull on his bow tie vigorously to let him know (passive aggressively) that I am upset. He is like "ouch, what's the matter?" The fact that he is still oblivious upsets me more and I decide to let him know for the nth time that he doesn't know to compliment me and how to make me feel truly appreciated leading to hitting our target dose of arguments for the week and my target dose of wine for the night (read: a little more than a bottle).

Admit it or not, we all crave appreciation on a daily basis leave alone "dress up" nights. It is indeed the exact mojo we need to be in the bestest of moods and thereby having a great day. Appreciation can be big or small and can come from different quarters but the one that comes from the husband seems to be the most effective on our moods. I can tell from experience that I need to be recognised for my strengths and appreciated for them as often as possible. I do not care much for fake, practised dialogues that men think they can dole out to appease us without putting in any effort to truly understand and credit us. My husband loves to repeat old sitcom cliches thinking he's mastered the art of appreciating his wife. Little does he know that I have watched the same sitcoms and would like a more personalised approach catering to the person that I am.

This lack of genuine appreciation leaves us wives feeling frustrated, dejected, jaded and some of us even go exploring outside of our marriage to satiate ourselves. Now, how do we deal with this seemingly small bitter feeling that leads to larger issues affecting our marriages? Yes, we have all read articles on how we need to be self-assured and shouldn't have to go looking for appreciation outside. All this seems easy in theory but we are humans after-all who love the daily cheap-thrills. Here's what works for me. One is to vent to your girlfriends who, believe me, will have the exact same stories to share with you. Misery truly loves company and whining over wine helps immensely. The next thing to do is to throw your ego out of the window and sit your husband down telling him what you would like to hear. Men do not get hints and surrender yourself to this world of acceptance. Be as detailed as possible and make them repeat it until it gets ingrained in their brains. You can have some fun with surprise tests to see if it's working ;).  Finally, ask yourself about the last time you appreciated your husband. There's nothing like a spoonful of guilt to give you the much needed reality check that you might in fact be sailing in the same boat as him. The feeling of comfort that comes from being married does that to us and by "that" I mean taking each other for granted. Set an example for your husband by being appreciative and he will mirror your actions on his own.

I would love to hear some of your experiences because sharing is caring after all :). Go ahead and leave a comment and I'll be sure to respond.