Here's your answer to create that much elusive emotional bond

My husband and I have this habit of reading articles first thing in the morning whilst on the pot ( I see a lot of you nodding). He wakes up earlier and I can be sure to expect a message from him sharing interesting posts on topics that we have discussed...err argued about. It has become so routine that I am a tad angry if there is no message when I wake up.

This morning he shared an article on why we lose our friends as we grow up. The article listed multiple valid reasons but the one that caught my eye was being in a relationship. This takes me back to a time when my best friend (back then) started dating a guy when we were both 17. I was still single and I remember having to share her with her new boyfriend and not being too happy about it. Thankfully for me and unfortunately for her, she wasn't too happy with him which forced her to spend more time with me venting. She did go MIA when things were all rosy and that made me realize that I am no longer her best friend. Her dependency on me had reduced as she had found a best friend and a lover in the same guy. Of course, when she broke up with him eventually, she came running to me and I took her back happily. After a few years, she found a guy good enough to marry and I lost her forever. Little did I realize that the relationship was a just a preview to what ensued much later when she got married.

This brings me to question what exactly happened there? I knew for a fact that my friend still loved me but that was clearly not enough to hold the close bond we once shared. So if it isn't love that creates a bond, what does? The answer is co-dependency. When we are single, we put in more effort in sustaining our friendships by being there for each other. We work as hard as we would on an exam paper or losing those extra pounds. As much as we like having reliable friends, we as humans enjoy being depended upon. Being needed increases our self-worth which is indeed a great thing to have. When our close friends get married, they start depending on their significant others thereby threatening our self-worth and boom, there goes your bond bolting out of the door. We are forced to move on and go looking for the next close bond.

Co-dependency plays a huge role in a marriage too. It is common knowledge that we be there for our wives/ husbands but in our quest to being extremely independent, we forget to depend on them. Many a times, I have told my husband that he doesn't make me feel wanted but all I actually wanted was for him to need me and depend on me a lot more. Our parents had happier marriages because the roles and responsibilities were clear wherein the father brought in money and the mother took care of the kids and the household. In this very vocally "feminist nazi"era, these roles have gotten fuzzy and has thrown the whole co-dependency out of whack. We need to re-define these roles to suit our marriages and establish that much needed emotional bond. This article has been an eye-opener and I'll be sure to articulate myself better when we get into one of those "you don't want me anymore" arguments.

Note to self: Instead of saying "you don't want me anymore",  I am gonna ask "How have I made a difference to your life?" and I know for a fact that he will not run and hide :).

Appreciation 101

It's Friday night. My husband and I are getting dressed to go to a wedding cocktail party. I put on my "go all out" make up, my expensive maxi dress that reveals just the right amount of cleavage and step out of my room to see him struggling with his bow tie. He looks up at me all dressed and suddenly gets nervous wondering what to say (remember this has happened many times in the last two years of our marriage and let's just say that he is still struggling with his compliments). He puts on a big jittery smile and says "you look beautiful" and just as quickly with the "business as usual" look asks me "hey can you help me with my bow tie?" That's it. I am just left there thinking "That's it?!" and pull on his bow tie vigorously to let him know (passive aggressively) that I am upset. He is like "ouch, what's the matter?" The fact that he is still oblivious upsets me more and I decide to let him know for the nth time that he doesn't know to compliment me and how to make me feel truly appreciated leading to hitting our target dose of arguments for the week and my target dose of wine for the night (read: a little more than a bottle).

Admit it or not, we all crave appreciation on a daily basis leave alone "dress up" nights. It is indeed the exact mojo we need to be in the bestest of moods and thereby having a great day. Appreciation can be big or small and can come from different quarters but the one that comes from the husband seems to be the most effective on our moods. I can tell from experience that I need to be recognised for my strengths and appreciated for them as often as possible. I do not care much for fake, practised dialogues that men think they can dole out to appease us without putting in any effort to truly understand and credit us. My husband loves to repeat old sitcom cliches thinking he's mastered the art of appreciating his wife. Little does he know that I have watched the same sitcoms and would like a more personalised approach catering to the person that I am.

This lack of genuine appreciation leaves us wives feeling frustrated, dejected, jaded and some of us even go exploring outside of our marriage to satiate ourselves. Now, how do we deal with this seemingly small bitter feeling that leads to larger issues affecting our marriages? Yes, we have all read articles on how we need to be self-assured and shouldn't have to go looking for appreciation outside. All this seems easy in theory but we are humans after-all who love the daily cheap-thrills. Here's what works for me. One is to vent to your girlfriends who, believe me, will have the exact same stories to share with you. Misery truly loves company and whining over wine helps immensely. The next thing to do is to throw your ego out of the window and sit your husband down telling him what you would like to hear. Men do not get hints and surrender yourself to this world of acceptance. Be as detailed as possible and make them repeat it until it gets ingrained in their brains. You can have some fun with surprise tests to see if it's working ;).  Finally, ask yourself about the last time you appreciated your husband. There's nothing like a spoonful of guilt to give you the much needed reality check that you might in fact be sailing in the same boat as him. The feeling of comfort that comes from being married does that to us and by "that" I mean taking each other for granted. Set an example for your husband by being appreciative and he will mirror your actions on his own.

I would love to hear some of your experiences because sharing is caring after all :). Go ahead and leave a comment and I'll be sure to respond.

Let's get started.

A few years into my marriage, I feel a lot of us (read wives) might benefit from a forum for wives to share stories who are traversing through similar paths. Think of it as a virtual girls night out with out the wine. Well, you can get your own glass of wine while reading, commenting and sharing on this blog. Let's get started :).